We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
