The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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