How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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