the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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