forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
