Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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