Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
