4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
