so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
