If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
