If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
