Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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