Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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