If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
