Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
