Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
