dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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