addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
