gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
