Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
