I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize