Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
