I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
