jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
