if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just want nice things and good sex
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
