you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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