Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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