I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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