There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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