You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
this hospital has no fireball
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
