So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
