I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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