If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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