you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
