He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
