every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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