my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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