I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
