Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize