these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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