The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
