: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
