Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
