Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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