I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
