I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize