It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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