I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
