It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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