i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
