I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
