While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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