do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
