I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
