look no pants
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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