Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
