my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
