i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
