remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
