Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
