I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So many bounce houses so little time
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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