i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
