dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
