Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
