Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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