someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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