tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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