69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize