She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
