Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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