I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
