i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
