woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
