Swine flu. Run for my life!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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