bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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